Campus Admin [College President, Dean, or other high-ranking administrator] We are pleased to have with us in Chapel today representatives from not one but two different -- shall we say -- "unorthodox" Christian ministries, SoulForce and Evangelicals Sending Persons to Heaven. We have set aside this time in chapel today to help you get to know these two organizations a little better. Welcome with me Adolph Stalling from ESPHI.
Adolph Stalling [played by student body president, football quarterback, or other campus notable that the students will immediately recognize without introduction, despite uncharacteristic attire; comes to podium] Thank you, thank you. That's pronounced "Ess-fee".
CA Adolph, that's an unusual name, isn't it?
AS Yes, I chose it myself, as representing my life ministry, and had it legally changed. I wanted "Stalin" as a last name, but the justice refused.
CA So you consider Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin as role models?
AS They sent a great many people to Heaven early.
CA So that's what you do? You kill people? Isn't that murder?
AS We don't use such negative terminology. I like to think of our ministry as taking people out of a miserable existence and promoting them to the eternal bliss of Heaven. Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers." We help people to achieve the eternal peace and joy of Heaven.
CA But murder is illegal.
AS In most states, but our organization is based in Oregon. We just won the Supreme Court case, you know. We have chapters in every state, working to legalize Heavenly Promotion. You can't do this in the legislatures, of course -- the people need to be educated before they will vote for Heavenly Promotion (or legislators who support it) -- but judges are isolated from public accountability, so it's much easier to get our agenda past them. Judge Greer in Florida is an honorary member of ESPHI. Now Texas, that's a special case. The judges there are elected, but the Attorney General is incompetent. Otherwise he would have defended the Texas sodomy law on the basis of its burden on the public health system (which it is), rather than as a religious or privacy issue. So we have chosen Texas to mount our challenge on the state murder law. It's clearly religiously motivated -- my God, it's one of the Ten Commandments, which the Supreme Court already threw out of Texas -- and besides, there is this privacy thing: what we do is a private matter between us and the client; there's not even a child involved, as in abortion, which is perfectly legal in every state of the union as a way to send little children to Heaven; we just extend the principle to people of every age.
CA So you only do this with the consent of the victim?
AS Of course. Just ask them.
CA But they are dead, aren't they? You can't get an answer out of a corpse.
AS But alive in Heaven. Jesus said not to fear those who kill the body and not the soul. We do that. There's nothing to be afraid of.
CA But Jesus was against murder. In the Sermon on the Moun--
AS Jesus said "You have heard it said, 'Do not commit murder,' but I say to you..." Yelling at a bad driver in traffic, calling somebody a moron, it's all the same thing. Have you never done that? See, we're all in this together. The Sermon on the Mount cancelled all that self-righteous legalistic stuff.
CA The Apostle Paul, who made the case against legalism in his letter to Galatians, included murder with homosexuals in the list of the works of the flesh...
AS A textual variant, not in Vaticanus nor Sinaiticus.
CA ...But in the majority text, as well as Alexandrinus, Bezae and most of the other major codices. Murderers are also not allowed into the New Jerusalem.
AS Along with liars. Have you never told a lie? Anyway, the book of Revelation is a dream, not theology.
CA Adolph, tell me, do people approve of what you do?
AS Yes they do. In the Florida case of Terri Schiavo, the polls showed the country overwhelmingly wanted the government out of that part of their lives. Michael Schiavo is a member of ESPHI, but he handled the publicity badly. We will need to discipline him, perhaps send him to Heaven. But we get a lot of support from the big cities -- especially New York and Chicago, large cash donations with no return address. Sometimes they mention a client, mostly Italian names, good Catholics. They go straight to Heaven.
CA Thank you, Adolph, for being with us and helping us to understand
the positive side of murder. Now we have representatives from SoulForce...